Joelogon's Foolproof Guide to Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend

---

September 2004 Update: Took out the frame navigation, which was never very helpful. Added some Google sponsored links, I will be interested to see what shows up. More stuff pending.
April 2004 Update: I moved the platonic stuff over to joelogon.com. It just kind of happened, sorry for the abrupt departure. Some minor tweaks and fixes are pending; in the meantime, please enjoy the vintage goodness. 
October 2000 Update: Apologies for the downtime; my ISP was bought out recently and much hilarity (note: not "funny ha-ha") has ensued. Needles to say, I will be looking for another home shortly, and I might as well do some much needed updates. In the future, this page will live on or about http://www.joelogon.com/, so look there for updates. Heck, I've got the domain, might as well use it. You can also mail me at joe@joelogon.com, which should be good forever, or as long as the current domain-name system is valid. I figure dotcom addresses will be as quaint as named phone numbers (i.e. KLOndike-1234) in a few fruit fly generations or so.

---

Congratulations! You've got a new life-long friend!

---

NOTE: This guide examines so-called platonic friendships (that is, relationships of a purely non-sexual nature) between men and women. Specifically, it examines two closely related aspects of the platonic friendship:

1. The tendency of women to develop close friendships with their male acquaintances, thereby pre-emptively eliminating any possibility of a romantic relationship, the result of which is to remove the poor schmuck's heart and shred it
2. The process by which attractive and otherwise eligible women, when faced by proffered declarations of romantic interest by a male acquaintance, destroy the ego and spirit of said acquaintance by declaring that they only want to be "friends."

For the purposes of this investigation, I will assume that the women are indicating a genuine desire for a friendship-only relationship, and not employing a clumsy and transparent ruse to avoid an unwanted relationship (i.e. "blowing off," "dissing") -- such as a man would use. Furthermore, though there may be anecdotal evidence of such techniques being used by men on women, I believe that only women are able to inflict such great emotional damage with such an innocuous phrase as, "I just want to be friends," the result of which is such an artful and complete annihilation, leaving behind only a broken, whimpering husk, that there can be no doubt as to the cause.
This guide draws from my own personal experiences and the experiences of others on the receiving end of The Treatment. As such, it gets painfully repetitive; I welcome any inputs from other shattered males, and indeed, from the female perspective as well. I am particularly interested in sound bites and seething bitterness tinged with humor.

---

Some stupendously high number of ruined, shattered husks of men have hit this page (since the counter was pulled), in addition to those strange, alluring, female-beings that exert such powerful influence over us.

---

The Futile Fugue: Variations on a Theme

How many times has this happened to you?

The stories remain the same, from the first note you passed in grammar school, to the woman you met through a mutual friend in college:

• You meet a girl who is everything you ever wanted in a life-partner: attractive, funny, smart, great personality, laughs at your jokes, understands who you are as a human being, etc. You talk to her briefly, and find out that she is even more attractive now that you've spoken to her. You ask her out. She says to you:

  "I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS"

• You meet someone: a neighbor, schoolmate, co-worker, in the same club, on the same bus. You become fast friends. One day, you realize that, in addition to being a close friend, this person is anattractive woman. You ask her out. She says to you:

  "I DON'T WANT TO RISK OUR FRIENDSHIP"

• You meet a girl who you know could be the one. She makes your toes curl, your stomach knot, your mouth dry -- you become even more of a gibbering idiot then you usually are. You're so incapacitated in her presence that you can't ask her out. You decide that things will be better once you get to know her better, so you become friends. You become best friends -- so good, in fact, that you can't bring yourself to ask her out. Yet there is this nagging voice in the back of your mind that says you could be more than friends. You swear that you will tell her how you really feel. Right before you can do this, she tells you:
  

  "I'VE MET THIS REALLY GREAT GUY"

  ---

  You've described my situation perfectly. I want to hear more!

  • Caring and Feeding for Your New Platonic Friend.
  • Do's and Don'ts in maintaining a Platonic Relationship.
  • Real-Life Reasons given by women on why they want to be "just friends."
  • I'm pathetic and I need more Excuses to give to those fortunate enough not to be me.
  • None of this has never happened to me...I...I have something in my eye...take me back from this horrid place!!!

  This page was conceived and brought forth, fully formed, on this day, June 7, 1995. Last modified Sept. 3, 2004.